When friends don’t call back…
July 10, 2006
My best and closest friends are from my college days. A couple of them are from my school days, but most of them are from the college where I did my engineering and some from where I did my masters.
I believe that most of our long term relationships are forged during our college days. That’s the time when friends are friends. You graduate from your school days where friends were- people with whom you cycled to school, people with whom you did your assignments, classmates who stayed in the same appartment complex as yours, your and their parents worked at the same office so you kept meeting at parties.
In college you truly emerge from the shadows of your family and start exhibiting your personality. A new universe evolves. In between lectures, labs, cultural fests, tea breaks, cack sessions in canteens- new bonds develop, friendships that promise a lifelong association blossom. You pass out from your college; the friendship, the relationship stays. You long to share every good or bad news with your friends. Distances don’t matter and the moment you meet or talk, you feel connected. It’s as if you’ve never been away, never been far.
But, life moves on.
People get married, parents retire, responsibilities at work increase, kids arrive, priorities change. They all demand time. Does this affect friendships? Yes and No. You still care. You still feel connected whenever you get talking, whenever you meet. But, you don’t meet often and you don’t get to talk often. Which is again okay.
It’s when you realize that you are the one who always calls, that it’s not okay. It’s when you realize that you are the one who always sends a IM, that it’s not okay. It’s when you start thinking before sending a IM, that it’s not okay. It probably means we have moved on. Does it?
July 17, 2006 at 5:29 pm
People do care and expect certain relationships to remain the same.
If you don’t ping first, the other person will not take the initiative, because that has been the way your relationship has been. Perhaps, that person expects that you ping first!
People move on… Relationships move to a different level (as you have described) and yet, they remain the same.
But, to some extent, you may be right – should only person take the extra effort?
July 24, 2006 at 11:07 pm
But some relationships are such that you can pick it up where you left it, say five years back and it would still feel the same, even if you have not been in touch.
I had such an experience a couple of years back. One of my men friends went totally off the radar after he got married. I knew he was well and alive since I got regular updates from other people. Two years after he got married I happened to visit the town where he was residing at that time. We met while I was in town. Our comfort level was same as it was before.
So some people are worth pinging a couple of extra times than others.
July 26, 2006 at 9:40 pm
Lalit, you may be right. Sometimes relationships get defined in a certain way. Things cannot change after many many years. What is important is that despite limitations and lack of time, people do care.
Reena, it’s true that with some people, things just remain the same. You connect with them, the moment you meet/talk.
Yes, there is lot of reason and logic, even I give myself. But, sometimes the heart aches for long, casual conversations without a care in the world
It doesn’t seem like a small world at all.
July 26, 2006 at 9:58 pm
I found an article from my favorite romance author. I guess it is a deviation from the topic under discussion, but it is interesting inspite of it.
“Why Every Heroine Needs a Girlfriend
Just as Much as She Needs a Husband
(Ooops! Did I say More than She Needs a Man?)
My editor says that I write romances that are partially about the heroine’s love for a man, and partially about her love for her girlfriends. Well, of course. How else is my heroine going to keep it together enough to marry one of those crazy animals known as men, if she doesn’t have girlfriends? I myself am a very lucky woman: I have two friends. OK, I also have a husband who is wonderful (on a good day), and two children who are adorable (on a very good day), but day in, day out, I have two best friends. We lived together in college, the three of us. We were tall and wore the same size, a useful thing in roommates. I’m from Minnesota, and I wore my hair in a modified Farrah Fawcett do. I called Sprite pop. Marion is from San Francisco: she had long blonde hair and talked of bands I had never heard of. In fact, whole kinds of music I’d never heard of. Alissa is from Boston: she had black curls and won the Latin prize in high school. We met when we were eighteen years old, and now it’s some twenty years later.
Together, we’ve had children, bad boyfriends and worse boyfriends, near deaths and illnesses. We’ve had two weddings, one law degree, two graduate degrees and no funerals. And we’ve racked up thousands and thousands of dollars in phone bills. Marion saved me from marrying a doctor by pointing out that he discussed his mother more than his job. I saved Alissa from a fate worse than death by noting that the wonderful man she just met had a pale circle around his finger. He turned out to be a married dentist on a spree. Alissa saved Marion from a drunken Bulgarian artist who threw fruit knives when enraged, by firmly stressing his bald spot.
So when Gabby marries Quill, in Enchanting Pleasures, and only then finds out that he has a three-day migraine after engaging in rhythmical exercise (which puts a distinct damper on their marital life), whom can she turn to? Thank goodness, Sophie’s there. Sophie’s lessons on how to seduce a reluctant husband, involving a low-cut dress and deep breathing exercises, are remarkably efficacious. Without Sophie, who knows what could have happened? Perhaps I would have had to switch genres, and move into tragedy.
But as it is, Gabby is lucky enough to find herself a wonderful husband (on a good day), two adorable children (on a very good day) and one terrific friend — for every day.”
October 19, 2009 at 7:21 am
What you have written has nothing to do with what the author of the main text has written. Honestly, it has nothing to do with it. The author wasn’t talking about anything to do with that because it’s clear that you and your friends stay in touch but you didn’t address the main point of the article. I just needed to say this! You didn’t even empathize!
May 1, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Saw an interesting blog.
http://themadmomma.blogspot.com/2007/01/women-are-reason.html
June 22, 2007 at 11:25 pm
[...] in the future and give people no chance to complain. So forgive if I seemed like one of those friends who did not keep in touch. I will endeavor to do [...]
April 2, 2008 at 5:25 pm
How weird, I am feeling just the same and what were the chances of finding this blog post today, haha. I’m finishing my University degree soon, in 2 years. I’m noticing a lot, if not all, my friends being distant with me. Even my best ones, its harsh when you call constantly and get no answer back. I started to get fet up and I’ve stopped calling for good, because I got better things to do then waste my time and thoughts for others. I put my effort in friendships and if my friends don’t bother to put effort back, than to me there is no point in continuing.
What can you do right…
September 8, 2008 at 9:38 pm
I’m going through the same thing, more so with friends from high school. I never had the traditional college experience; I never lived in a dorm so found it difficult to forge the close friendships you speak of.
Now what I found most disheartening is that many of them have full, rich lives (boyfriends, husbands, even children), which seems to swallow up any need they might have to see me. I am single and would still like to hang out with the girls…But I feel a bit pathetic always reaching out and finding silence at the other end. In the end, I’ve grown more isolated as a way to defend myself from getting hurt. You can’t feel hurt about the lack of communication when you CHOOSE to distant yourself, right?
September 8, 2008 at 9:40 pm
*distance, not distant
December 4, 2008 at 6:03 am
I worked with another professional in a school district for 3 years and we got very close(or so I thought). My not so nice boss wanted to move me to another school so I left that job and got another. My new friend acted so very upset and promised to call me and keep in touch with my life. I called her 2 months ago and left a pretty lengthy message asking her to call me when it was convienent for her. To date I have not recieved a call. I know we are all busy- Im busy too but its very hurtful when people who claim to care about you cant take 2 minutes to make a phone call. Its called rude and thoughtless. Guess with friends like that who needs enemies??
October 19, 2009 at 7:29 am
I know exactly how you feel. I have this one friends who works in a job she makes out that is so stressful and so busy that she can’t even scratch herself. While I understand that she is busy, we are all busy, but that is no excuse when it comes to maintaining healthy friendships. I have sent messages to her and tried to call her, not incessantly you understand, but just to try and catch up and I never hear back from her. She never calls me back! I hate that and I resent her for not caring about our friendship. I also feel like I have wasted my time on just trying to reach out to her. I can only hope one day she will contact me and we can just chat as it was always nice to hear her voice. I enjoyed reading your message on her, and I empathize with you.
Take care,
Linchpin.
December 22, 2008 at 4:11 am
This topic really struck a nerve. I never had many friends when I went to school, or during my 20 years in the military. So the few friends I have acquired are precious to me. No matter how hard I try – it HURTS, really HURTS when I am the only one calling, writing, IMs, holiday cards, whatever.
I decided to try NOT getting in touch with anyone FIRST and waited to see how long it would be before someone called or wrote to ME. To make a long story short – I’m STILL waiting. It’s been YEARS … I guess no one really gives a damn.
The one that hurt worst of all was when I spoke with my cousin several years ago and asked why she didn’t EVER call me. Her reply? Oh, it’s TOO expensive. This was in the days of TEN CENTS A MINUTE. Geez, I’m not even worth a DIME?
Sad
January 9, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Elaine M. I know how you feel. I tried the same with 3 friends and let’s just say it’s been easier not having those “friends” since June 2007.
January 28, 2009 at 1:53 am
wow,
this does make me feel better, but then again, the whole wait for them to call, doesnt seem like it works in my favor….
I have 2 great friends that talk a good game to me, but when we went out with a big group, I felt excluded at some points, then they went to a movie and dinner without me… Yes, I normally say no, but still, could ask! 1 never calls, she doesnt call anyone, yet she talks like she really cares, and the other doesnt want to talk talk about anyone cept her and her life( she is pretty conceited as well, thinks she is gorgeous, she is but really…) I have really been there for both of them this past years(bothe sep. from husbands) yet, I dont feel like I get anything back. I have been used before, and wonder if like this is it again, I doubt it. But, putting them in my head as FF fairweather friends, and not as the BF, has made me feel freer and a lot less expectations of them, and less expectations of myself….
February 8, 2009 at 12:19 am
Now I know I am not alone! I was really low because some of my friends, whom I have known since I was eleven have grown distant. But after reading these posts, I realised that some people move on or are just thoughtless. But it hurts like hell, because you still want them in your life, its a pity that they don’t feel the same way.
October 19, 2009 at 7:33 am
Yes, you do want them in your life because they make you happy. It just hurts like hell when they go out and do something without you or never return your calls or just fade away. What hurts more is when they act all nice when you bump into them and you say that you want to stay in touch but they never do, even when you genuinely meant it. It just makes me feel so empty, like they feel like I am not worth knowing. It hurts so much. Thanks for posting your words, I truly empathize.
Take care,
Linchpin.
March 9, 2009 at 12:12 am
My friend lives in another state but has family near me. She comes to town with her family and boyfriend and sometimes calls me. When she comes over it’s like we pick up where we left off. Her boyfriend said she thinks the world of me. The strange thing is that when she leaves she doesn’t return my calls.
I want a friend that I can talk to thru the good times and the bad. I have written her off several times but when she does call I’m right there ready to be best buddies. It Hurts me that she doesn’t have the time or consideration to return my calls. I have come to the conclusion that I just shouldn’t expect much from her.
March 10, 2009 at 1:11 am
I wrote the above comment and would like to get follow up comments. I have never written my feelings on the internet. I feel better just writing my feelings down on here, so it’s worth it.
Thank you!
October 19, 2009 at 7:40 am
You wrote this a long while ago. I know that when you lower your expectations of friends that it hurts because then it is supposed to shield you from hurt if they disappoint you, which they usually do anyway. It hurts also when you try to reach out and you get nothing back from long time friends or people you never thought would do that, and even from family or cousins. Why are people like this? Have you any clue? Do you feel like it is something you have done, or it just nature? Friends are supposed to stick together and be in touch and never let anything get in the way of a great rapport. That’s what we’d all like, isn’t it? Sad that this isn’t a reality.
Take care,
Linchpin.
April 16, 2009 at 8:51 am
I realized too late that leaving a darling friend behind was due to a misunderstanding. A mutual friend manipulated a situation that resulted in my ignoring my darling friend. Now, it’s too late.
She loved me and I ignored her – for no good, true or solid reason. Be careful who you listen to, even if you’re very close. I was warned by the friend I’ve now lost and by my family that I was being manipulated and cornered into a “no other’s are worthy” relationship and now, so many are gone and boy, am I sorry. The manipulator is still in my life and I care about him, too, but I see now it was him all along who worked in a very secretive way to push others out, to get me to not want them in my life. The manipulator is very ill and I feel obligated to be there. Some day, I’ll get back to my darling friend where I belong and I hope, I really hope, she’ll be there.
August 18, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I feel alone alot…I suffer with depression
and anxiety. I have few friends and over the years i have tried to make friends but I feel I make most of the effort to call. I am 40 and will be having my first baby and I will be having a baby shower but only have 2 friend that might show up(I call them more).
This bothers me so much these days I cannot get a proper nights rest and my hubby does not understand.
August 25, 2009 at 12:57 am
if they do not call back/respond within a reasonable length of time after a call/email/letter (5-7 days) then they are NOT your friends. Many boomers are addicted to work, and they love money and greed. Hence, their terry nickell diming philosophies pertaining to their “friends.”
September 3, 2009 at 4:46 am
I feel the same way. This really hits a strong nerve with me. It’s horrible cause I feel so alone. For years I tried to keep in touch with people and slowly stopped cause nobody stayed in touch with me. I am so sorry there is an experience like.
And it always goes with me at least that people call me when they need something or I have something they want. Honestly I just cant be fake about it anymore… I feel old and resentful and I am only 31 years old.
September 8, 2009 at 11:40 pm
I have been feeling the same way lately. I just don’t have room in my heart for “friends” who don’t have the courtesy to pick up to phone and return a call. For me it is a clear message that our friendship is no longer important to them. I think for me is is better to just realize that the friendship has faded and move on.
October 19, 2009 at 7:45 am
I think I should do the same thing with the supposed friends in my life. It’s taken me a while to realize that I am just extending my suffering by keeping these people in my life that do not feel like calling me back or going out with me. It is clear that the friendship is no longer important to them when they just don’t contact you or message you or call you back. Now, I am moving on! I am glad I found this site.
Take care,
Linchpin
September 15, 2009 at 8:35 am
Hi All,
I think the answer to repeatedly being burned is to be very slow about friendship. be acquaintances first and see how things are going; if your friendship needs match,and the depth of the rlationship,and only then take it to the next level.
People outside of North America take friendships much more seriously than Americans do (except Mexicans)and are very clear about the difference between acquaintances and friendship. We tend to call people friends after 10 minutes of pleasant banter; we’re much to easy.
I have two friends of the soul that I talk with only a few times a year. We don’t do day to day chitchat and don’t discuss the kids, work,etc.We talk about what makes us happy,what matters to us, and how we’re really doing inside. I love them and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Two other friends are close,but not friends of the soul,and we talk about every two months. We’re both excited about our friendship and don’t have to keep count of who calls who first, or how often. When there’s a crisis we’re there.
The problem is when one person is more excited about a friendship than the other,because the least interested one can take it or leave it and invest little in maintaining the friendship.
I thought someone was my best friend, but she has never initiated anything,phone calls, outings, nothing. If I call her for help she’ll be there,and when we talk she will tell me what’s on her mind. She’s no user,but if I don’t call it’s out of sight out of mind.I”ve been out of state now 6 years, and she sends birthday and Xmas cards,but never calls.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt by saying that she’s the youngest of 6 and is used to being passive,but I just don’t get how a friend could go 6 years without wondering how you’re doing and sending an email or calling. That’s inconceivable to me regardless of what’s going on in your life unless you’re severely depressed. Who doesn’t have 5 minutes for a quick call?
I don’t know whether to just stop calling and drop her,or talk to her,or and just accept the cards and leave it at that;look for someone else as a real friend. She’s one of the kindest people I know, but I really think that this is a out of sight out of mind thing for her,and that she just isn’t that invested. (People from large families generally don’t make good friends anyway.)
September 29, 2009 at 11:49 pm
I don’t know if I’m glad to hear of so many others feeling ignored by their good friends…does it mean I just have to get used to it? When you’ve been honest to a friend, that you need to hear from them to feel like there is a friendship between you (and especially for them to call or email you back) – and they say,”That’s just how I am, I don’t use the phone much”…do you cut off the 10 year friendship? We have seen each other’s children born, have had lots of good times, but not lately. To threaten to take away your friendship when you know that will only hurt you…leaves me feeling manipulated and so angry!
I do know that some people are just better at keeping in touch – we need to start a support group, because there are too many people who think they can say, “Oh, I’m such a bad friend,” and then get on with your friendship like nothing is wrong!
Urgh!
October 19, 2009 at 7:57 am
I wish we could start a support group and help each other, because not having the help we need or the friendships we built is just soul ripping and makes me feel so alone. I don’t get why people are like this. I’m like you, URGH!